This humerous "belay slave chain letter" was posted anonymously to rec.climbing in 1993 and again in 1994. Time for true confessions, the poster was me! I don't believe anyone ever figured that out.
The people in "The List" were anagrams of frequent posters to rec.climbing back then. The third column (not included in the original note) shows the real name of that poster. Through my anonymous mailbox, I received many "Har har ..." responses, a couple of people even figured out the anagrams. A few people had taken the post seriously and told me I was full of it (in much more descriptive terms).
I decided to fess up after reading John Sherman's book Sherman Exposed: Slightly Censored Climbing Stories, which contains another (much funnier) climbing chain letter. The book has been banned by REI (why?), check it out!
From: Mr. HardMan
A year ago I was a 300 lb slob, living out of a cardboard box and struggling up 4th class sport climbs. I hadn't a dime-sized edge to my name! I'd lost more climbing partners than I could count, but I swear none of the accidents were my fault - I can't help it if I have a very short attention span when it comes to belaying!
Now I am a ROCK STAHR - I regularly flash 5.14, and compete at the international level. My lean frame fits inside the narrowest of squeeze chimneys (and I'd climb them if only my gigantic ego would fit as well). I have risen well above such earthly chores as belaying and can devote my full energies to tasks such as defining the future of climbing. I own a house on every continent each with two acres of climbing walls and enjoy training sessions orchestrated by an arsenal of 25 specialists who oversee every phase of my athletic development.
How did I make this incredible transition? Well, I responded to a letter like this, never guessing the enormous impact it would have on my life. Don't believe anyone who tells you climbing is all hard work, nothing could be farther from the truth! Here's how it works:
If the belay-slave-chain goes unbroken you will, in a matter of weeks, receive 3,587,949,402,467,446 calls from people begging to belay you! Your abilities will skyrocket! Everyone will hate you, but so what? You'll be leading 5.14 like me, what do you care?
IF YOU BREAK THE BELAY-SLAVE-CHAIN, YOU RISK CERTAIN DEATH OR WORSE! Why half my old partners broke this chain, and that's probably why they're all history!
Enemy Guinea Nasty Aim Research Center Eugene Miya Iris Retch University of Washing Tom Eric Hirst Lord Egg-Pan Honeybear Technologies Greg Opland Sir Ten Severe PMS Institute Steven Reiser Lean Slanderson Universe City of Ootah Allen Sanderson Tanya Z. Wyner Cairn Bashers Anonymous Wayne Trzyna Real Fungus Academic Obfuscation Technologies Rufus Nagel Henry J. Snob Howling Peckers Company John Byrnes Nun Nausea Z. Slop National Center of Asinine Research Suzanne Paulson Baron Bon Girth Universe of Tooksan Bob Harrington Lord Lawn Aster Low-Tek Distributed Stimulation Rolland Waters Eleg O. Gerbil US Worst Technologies George I. Bell Norm Fief-Jostle Howling Peckers Company Jeff (Mort) Elison Aunt Q. Lung Guano Berzerker Robot Lab Quang-Tuan Luong Huber Rancid Blend Something Under Not Bruce Hildenbrand Nich Dire Stem Honeybear Technologies Tim Schneider Les C. Yodels Rancid Coke Magazine Clyde Soles Horse Dickey Balm Outtel Corp Michael Brodesky Big W. Thrill Trip Reports R Us Bill Wright Baby Born Hunt Purdy University Anthony R Bubb OJ Mothnorn Californy Fornication Machine Shop John Morton G. Heroin Shrug Fudge Inc Down Under Hugh Grierson
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